Rob said that to me today.
I am so good at self destruction, self sabotage, and lashing out and hurting others.
Thanks, mom and Rochelle, for the legacy.
I am unforgivable.
Why can't I back down when I need to? Why do I push until they walk away? Why can't I think logically and work it out?
Goddamit. I fucked up again.
I'm tired of my own lack of competance. I know its my fault, and yet I still do nothing to remedy the problem. Its the motivation that I need, the drive that I desire. The absolute want to get things done; I have to find it.
I'm tired of wanting what I cannot by any means have. It pervades my dreams at night, and I wake with the name on my tongue. My actions are unconsciously dictated by my clumsy strategizing-when I discover that I'm doing it, I try to put a stop to it...but disappointment is such a bitter poison.
I'm tired of uncertainty. Of needing something that I cant put my finger on. Of being in limbo. Of self loathing and self hatred. Of feeling stagnant. Of feeling leaden. Of emptiness. Of wanting to see the red lines again...
I just want to go to sleep, and start this summer over again.
I know that we havent gotten along very well in the past. I mean, you'd fail to turn on in winter, and my tits would practically fall off from the cold. Or, you turn on full blast in the summer, and I can actually see the heat wavering in the air.
And whose to blame? Being stuck in a huge building with hundreds of kids probably puts a strain on you. And I understand.
So, putting aside past feelings, I'd like to thank you today, Kimball Boiler.
Thank you for breaking. Of any day you could have chosen, it was the cosmically right day. Because of you, I'm going to have a better life.
Thank you boiler. I owe you one.
So, i have a car.
Its a 1991 Toyota Camry. Yeah, its pretty fucking pimp. I cant open the drivers door from the outside, so i climb in through the passenger side. And one of the back doors wont open. And theres alot of rust spots.
BUT ITS SWEET.
And i cant drive it because i have no license. Awesome. Why must i be tempted so?
Wish me luck on the Bio test tomorrow. Goddamn amino acids and function groups and what not.
Ok, remind me not to pary with Christos. Or at least, not to party with christos when i expect to actually do things the next day. Seriously, i woke up to fucked up i couldnt move. I just lay in bed another hour until i was coherant. But i love that man. So its ok.
SENIOR PICTURES TODAY!!! Gag.
Ghost world is a good mooovie.
I love drama.
And therapy. Therapy rules.
i had a dream that i hung out with alicia edwards (gag).then i decided to shower in a garage. the water stained my socks pink. i came outside and my dad was leaning against a black car. he told me rochelle died at 7pm. i freaked out. then i was holding two phones, a cell phone and a home phone.
what does this mean!?!?
im feeling very ugly lately. mainly just my body. not too sure why. maybe because i have black lady thighs/ass. the left thigh is Shanaynay, the right is Laqueesha, and my ass is LaTania. dont mess with them.
im a freak, im a wierdo, what the hell am i doing here, i dont belong here.
man, it sucks being lonely around valentines day. i need boy. yes. i have proper grammar.
(i hate oleary)
that doesnt matter.
the kids only did a practice for a bit, then rusty stayed for only ten min, then we played video games. pretty much thats its.
oh and traci love her lyrics book! that made my day.
well, im at dads right now, waiting for a ride. i can feel the hate emanating from irinas ass whenever she walks by. ew. i think there is a murder in the making...
ps. I HAVE OLEARY-DUNN FOR ENGLISH AGAIN. this cannot happen. im pulling out faster than an excited 15 year old boy during his first sexual experience.
THIS IS A CALL TO ARMS.
The Bush Regime is growing more and more powerful and diabolical each day. Nov. 2, those of you who are unhappy and engraged at the present state of this country, MOBILIZE against it!
Take to the streets. WALK OUT of school, work, your own home even. JOIN OTHERS who are doing the same!
This is an international mobilization of concerned persons, desperate to get their VOICES HEARD.
Don't wait. SHOW THE WORLD THAT THIS IS NOT EXCEPTABLE.
For those of you who attend Kimball High, we will be walking out at 8:30 am, if you would like to join.
Those of you who want to join, WALK OUT and explain why! DONT JUST STAND BY AS THE BUSH REGIME DESTROYS YOUR RIGHTS.
To learn more about this national movement, go to www.worldcantwait.org
I DID NOT SLEEP WITH BRIAN.
I DID NOT GET DRUNK ONE WEEK AND SLEEP WITH FOUR GUYS.
I DID NOT SLAP A PREGNANT CHICK AT MY SCHOOL.
I DID NOT BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF A FRESHMAN.
I DID NOT FUCK A TEACHER.
AND I DID NOT HAVE A 3 WAY WITH ANOTHER GIRL AND A SENIOR.
why do people think that shit?
oh yeah, because people like to spread rumours about me. forgot about that.
people talk trash about me whenever they want. they talk shit because they dont know SHIT. im an easy target. great. super. awesome. FUCKING WONDERFUL.
GET A FUCKING LIFE AND STOP TALKING ABOUT MINE.